Thirty Days!

Today is the 30th day of "My Journey" and the 1st day of this blog. I didn't want to go public, until I had enough confidence in myself to do so. I haven't even told my best friends about this quest. So far, I've only shared My Journey with 4 1/2 people, my immediate family (Mom, Husband and 2 year old daughter) and two close co-workers. Trying to lose weight has been an uphill battle for most of my life. I've been on and off of most diets for the past 12 years. I've started and stopped and started again. I've had "gym partners", "personal trainers" and "cheerleaders". I've made the declaration many of times saying, 'I am on a diet and I am going to lose weight' and then I've had to embarrassingly eat my words (no pun intended).

Growing up in the Bronx, I've always been self conscious about style, fashion and of course my body. Being a BIG girl for most of my life, I've never really been satisfied with my weight, neither have I ever been careful about what I eat. You've heard it before, 'your body is God's temple, so take care of it'. Well, even though I consider myself to have a pretty tight relationship with the Lord, I've never taken the time to take care of my temple. Although I am a pretty confident chick, I've battled for many years with my self esteem, all of my issues are weight related and have to do with how I felt about myself; but mostly my issues were about what I thought other people thought about me - because of my weight.

I moved to Florida in September 2000. Upon my arrival, I purchased a bike, a gym membership and I was on a mission to get myself in shape. This was a new life, with new people - who didn't know the 'me' before, therefore couldn't judge me on what was. I spent lots of time in the evenings and on the weekends working out, riding my bike and walking around my new, beautiful, well manicured neighborhood. Needless to say that was a short lived mission once I got married in October 2001! With meeting the man of my dreams, living in total bliss, becoming a wife and not to mention he's a great cook, the "get in shape mission" slowly dwindled.

Fast forward five years to 2006. The same month I was scheduled to take the LSAT I instead celebrated becoming pregnant and mourned my grandmother's death. That year I struggled through the pregnancy, gave birth to a miracle child and ultimately gave up on myself! After putting on an additional 36 pounds during the last stages of my pregnancy, I gave up even trying. I was now a mother with a new focus and made no time for 'me'. I convinced myself that this was my life and I was born to be this way. If I was going down, I decided that I might as well enjoy the ride.

Enjoy the ride I did, adding about 40 extra pounds in the last three years! Eating anything, anytime, anywhere without even a thought. Accepting my demise - suffering silently.

In October 2007, I started working for a restaurant chain. Being a paralegal by trade it was natural for me to manage the legal function at the corporate office. Of course the perks, parties and discounts that come along with a position like this did not help my weakness. Fortunately for me, the 50 or so people that I work with are all health conscious, watching what they eat and watching their weight, and that struck a cord with me. Here I was the only overweight female in this office, and I wasn't even trying to make a difference in my own life. All of the women in the office were slim and beautiful and even though I smiled often I was suffering inside. I struggled. I struggled. I struggled. I went through phases of hating myself to phases of I just don't care about myself.

Then on June 19, 2009 my Mother's very close friend died suddenly. No one expected it and it came as a shock to us all. She was a very intelligent, loving, caring, generous woman; however, she too was over weight. Her death was a wake up call for me. She died on Friday. I died on Monday. I died to my old self and my old ways. I died to my deceptive thoughts. I died to the self hatred. I died to the self destruction. I died to that silent struggle. I died to myself.

On Monday, June 22nd I finally made up my mind that this was it! I chose to live. I conjured up what little confidence and courage I had left and I made the decision to take control of my life for good and it's been the best feeling I've ever had. For the past 30 days, I've been eating right. I've given up soda, bread, rice, pasta, sugar and Mc Donald's French Fries! I've been drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of chicken, fish, vegetables and fruit. This past weekend I reinstated my membership at the YMCA and I've been working out everyday for 45 minutes a day. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control of my life.

It's not over, in fact My Journey has just begun. It's only been thirty days. However I've heard it said before that if you do something for 30 days it becomes a habit. I am believing that saying will remain true for me.

Stay tuned for more as I document, "My Journey".